“The grass is greener on the other side of the fence” or so everyone seems to think. Maybe that may be the case, but greener grass means more water is put into it and higher water bills.

In the world of relationships it is easier to think that the next fellow has it easier and better. After all, it is hard to perceive what goes on behind closed doors. When people look at the other person and his/her spouse they start to think how happy they would be if they had that particular spouse, after all he has a better job or she has a bigger behind! In fact, others go to the extent of trying to get the other’s spouse for themselves because that particular person seems so happy.

This is wrong because anyone can be happy with whatever it is they have at the moment. Happiness is a state of mind. There is a Swahili saying that goes “ukiona chaelea ujue kimeundwa”. You never know how much work someone puts into their particular relationship to make it so satisfying.

So, the following is what you can do to make the grass at your own side of the fence look greener, and as I said, it will mean a little more water cost than you are currently paying.

©      Learn to appreciate your partner’s strong points. No one in this world goes without a certain virtue. If you look closely you will realize that there is a reason you fell in love with them in the first place and made a decision to be with them. Welcome whatever good they have to offer.

©      Learn to accept your partner’s weak points. The human mind is a strong instrument. It can learn anything, and I mean anything. It can create things which were not there to come to be, and it can make things that are there disappear, literally. People have amazingly learnt to live in stench filled areas and have gotten used to it so much that if you asked them they would happily claim to feel no smell. People have their vices as well. Most of these can either be ignored or simply gotten used to. However, there are some vices that cannot, and shouldn’t be tolerated such as abuse (both physical and emotional). Such should be reported to the authorities ASAP.

©      Avoid comparison. And this is not only concerned with romantic relationships, but all relationships as well. It is not fair to compare kids with their siblings, it is not fair to compare parents with other people’s etc. do not compare your spouse to someone else’s or your own past relationships. There are no two completely similar human beings. Everyone is a unique individual and that fact should be appreciated.

©      Work on your relationship. Every good thing requires work so if you want a better relationship you’ve got to start working on it. Apply the “do unto others” rule. If you want your partner to treat you better, start treating him/her better first and see if he/she doesn’t catch the cue.

It is okay to admire another’s relationship, but to covet it. It is okay to look at another person’s relationship and learn from them so as to improve your own.

The art of making love

Any art form can be acquired in two ways, either you’re born with it or you learn it. There are people who are born with greatness so immense it inspires, and there are people who learn it to become so good as well. One thing is clear though, that if you do not like it, you will not be good at it.

Thus is the same with making love and that is why we will look at it as an art, although that will make it seem like a common sort of art. It seems there are people so good at it, you would think it is a talent they were born with, and maybe they were, maybe not.

Now, one might wonder why they should even bother, but mind you, a healthy sexual life is a pillar to any successful marriage.

Let us look at the following points and see how we can perfect our bedroom experiences behind closed doors:

• Love it. This might seem like a simple tip but in reality it is the main tip. If you love to make love, you will want to enjoy it, you will want your partner to enjoy it as well, and then you will put an effort to make it enjoyable and worthwhile. Many a times you find someone making love as if it is the last thing they’d rather be doing (and this is a sad case especially for women), without any motivation or passion, just plain old boring. It is commonly said “if something is worth doing, then it is worth doing well.” Look at lovemaking as a gift that it is: a creation of God, given to man for enjoyment and procreation, to bind a couple together in a way nothing else can.

• Develop a positive mindset about lovemaking. We have been taught a lot about sex and lovemaking from our backgrounds. Some were even told that it is a dirty topic and should not even be brought up in public; so young girls would talk about it in low voices whenever they were alone, and those hushed up conversations are what most girls have grown up to understand and believe about sex. On the other hand, some were taught too much about it at a very young age by older women, and they misused that information and got into various forms of trouble. However, it should be understood that lovemaking and sex is not a bad thing; and if it were as “dirty” as it is claimed, then the whole form of human nature is a dirty one, or don’t we all come from that one act?

• Learn to focus. All wonderful art creations were created when the artists were in their “focus mode”. You can’t be thinking of anything and everything during the act and expect to make it great. In those few minutes/hours be there and participate fully.

• Be spontaneous. Creativity calls for spontaneity. Do something different because routine can be tiresome and boring. Change positions, change locations, change the settings etc. change is very welcome and will almost always be appreciated in love making. The important thing is to make sure nobody gets hurt, everyone is comfortable, and the laws of the land are adhered to.

• Be ready to learn. Nobody was born knowing everything. We learn everything from walking to talking to dancing. Why should it be any different with love making? There are countless books out there to help couples, as there are many “knowledgeable” people who are willing to teach.

Passion fruit and Pineapples

Of all the great gifts God endowed to mankind, sex is on the top of the list; it is responsible for the propagation of our specie plus it is so fun. Good, satisfying sex, usually done in the context of marriage is hard to beat.

Sex is of many forms and types, but oral sex, both cunnilingus and fellatio are quite famous.

While licking and/or sucking a partner’s genitals during sex may not come easy for some people, it is highly satisfying and a show for affection.

To ease the act, it is important for the genitals to be kept clean, free of odor, and if possible even tasty.

Food plays a major role in keeping the genitals fit for oral sex, influencing the taste and smell thereof.

Foods rich in animal protein such as poultry, fish, eggs, meat, milk and cheese leave the genitals with a pungent smell and with an acidic taste. They are also responsible for bloatedness which makes sex a little less easy and very tiring if done right after the meal.

On the other hand, vegetables and fruits enhance the taste and smell of genitalia. They also make the body to feel lighter hence the sex act easier and more gratifying.

A recent study shows that drinking lots of pineapple and/or granadilla (passion fruit) juice, or eating ripe bananas and/or papayas can actually sweeten semen.

Red meat can make the semen to taste more acidic; and alcohol or coffee can make semen bitterer.

So the next time you are contemplating oral sex with your significant other, consider the food you indulge yourself in.

 Chocolate – an aphrodisiac

For ages now chocolate has been known as “Food for the gods”. The name is derived from the Latin words Theobroma Cacao which are a generic name for the cacao tree.

This magical treat has been in use for about the past 4,000 years, when it was grown and used by the ancient Mayans in America. It was so precious in those days that the cacao seeds were used as a currency, and the “chocolate” beverage was mainly for the elite and the upper class citizens.

It is no wonder that this special treat was considered fit for gods, because it has so many beneficial properties to the body and one of them is that it is actually an aphrodisiac!

The following are some of the ways in which chocolate can be used to enhance sex in a relationship:

•   By eating it. Chocolate has been proven to have chemicals that affect the brain in the exact areas that are directly concerned with orgasm during sex. Eating chocolate can help your brain to secrete hormones that can facilitate sex. Research has shown that women who eat more chocolate have a more satisfying sex life.
  

•   By using it during sex. Chocolate can also be used during the sex act to make it more interesting. In kissing, licking and sucking, chocolate can be applied to the areas on which these methods of foreplay are used. Here Chocolate must be in liquid/melted form so it can be easily poured and applied. However, it is important to note that no food particles should come into contact with the genitals as this can cause the development of fungus.
  

•   Given as a gift, chocolate can mean a lot. This is especially to the girls but it can also be given as a gift to guys as well. Chocolate signifies tender care, and of course, passion.
  

Apart from being an aphrodisiac, chocolate is also very good for overall health. It is good for the heart and it can also work to reduce stress levels in the body and mind. It is therefore advisable to have this treat every now and then.

Darker chocolates are healthier because they have a higher content of cocoa in relation to sugar and fat.

Tug O’ War

Tug of war was and has always been a favorite game for many. It has simple rules and the winner is determined pretty easily. You and your opponent(s) pull at different ends of the rope until one caves in and is pulled across the central line, the winner is the one who was able to pull the other; easy!

So tug of war is amusing, so long as it is left at the playing ground. When we bring it to our relationships, literally, it is not fun anymore. Win-lose situations are not appropriate for relationships and one should always strive for win-win state of affairs.

It should be understood that it is not possible to be in an authentic relationships without any quarrels and squabbles, even petty ones. You cannot always agree on everything and you cannot always see eye to eye about the whole lot.

Consider a relationship as a business arrangement. Each party has to get something and be satisfied with it, even if a lot of bargaining is to be endured. So the following points should be considered whenever there is an argument or disagreement:

©      Speak for yourself. When arguing, argue for your own side, state your reasons as to why you want things to be a certain way and say how a certain situation makes you feel. Avoid telling the other person how they feel or what they do. For example, instead of saying “you make me feel so insignificant and unappreciated” say “when you do/say so-and-so, I feel so insignificant and unappreciated.” This makes the other person more empathetic because they get a peek of your feeling.

©      Avoid name calling. In reality nothing turns an argument for the worst like calling the other person a strange diminishing name. Using abusive language is really not civilized. It shows a side of you that is brutal, unrefined and uncouth! When you call someone a bad name, unless they have the patience of Job, you boost their anger so any chance at reaching a truce is greatly diminished.

©      Choose a proper time and setting. Everyone has their “down” times, those times when you would really prefer that nobody touches you or gets into your nerves. If you choose to approach someone in their “down” time to argue about something, you’re in for it. You cannot expect any good outcome from such a setting. Sometimes you can even plan a special outing or candle lit dinner for your partner if you want to discuss with them something that you know the two of you disagree upon but want to reach a consensus. In the olden times our mothers would cook mzee’s favorite meal if they knew that that evening they were going to tell them something that would unravel them.

©      At first, avoid third parties at all costs until no resolution can be found between the two of you. Nobody likes to have their weaknesses dragged to the public. Do not call his/her mother, the pastor or his/her best friend every time he/she does something wrong. Is that your relationship or that of the whole society? However, if things fail to be resolved between the two of you, then agree to involve someone wiser than the both of you.

©      Do not apply manipulation. Some people use manipulation as a magic wand because it gets them whatever they want. This is not right because it makes other people feel used up. Eventually the relationship is filled with so much negative energy and resentment!

Contrary to popular belief, it is much better to be happy than to be right. When you always fight to win in every argument or matter in your relationship, at the same time your partner is kept on the losing side all the time, it becomes very hard for them to want and to try to make you happy. We are, after all, in relationships so as to be happy together. People engage in relationships so as to avoid loneliness, because loneliness is not a happy feeling.

A man once said, “The reason I constantly keep cheating on my wife is the same reason you don’t take boiled rice everyday – it bores you.”

And I totally agree with him! How can one eat boiled rice (or any one type food, for that matter) forever, everyday? Inhuman! Our taste buds as human beings need a variety of tastes, and so do our sex lives.

It is all so easy, and very right. Rice, and any other food known to man, does not have to be eaten in only one form, because there is a variety of cooking.

All it takes is commitment, an adventurous spirit and a willingness to learn.

So let the journey begin – learning how to cook delicious (in the bedroom) by using the following tips:

Ø  Realize what you have – look at your partner through other people’s eyes and realize the attractiveness they still hold. How do other men/women think she/he looks?

Ø  Try to keep fit and look sexy for your partner. As years advance, some features on our bodies tend to be leaning more on the south towards gravity. Things don’t just look as good as they used to especially after some years of marriage and a couple of babies. So find time to heat up some fat in exercising. Also wear supportive clothes like corsets and bras that help breasts from sagging.

Ø  Have fun. Look for new ways to have fun with your partner. Buy new board games, go out with friends, or even turn normal boring household chores (like cooking and cleaning) into fun activities you can do together. This brings couples closer and strengthens their intimacy.

Ø  Learn new sex styles and positions that you can try out together, provided that they are comfortable for the both of you.

Ø  Turn your bedroom into a sexy and fun place to be in. use beddings that feel good on naked skin, change the colour into the ones that are more romantic (example gold, red and shades of purple), and reduce the clatter. An untidy bedroom is usually a mood-killer. Candles can also be added to augment the mood.

Ø  Turn your sexual fantasies into reality. On a boring and down day, plan to meet your partner at a café or somewhere private and comfortable. Ask him/her to tell you about their wildest sexual fantasy detail by detail. When he/she is done, I am sure you will not be able to wait to get him/her home, to fulfill that fantasy.

Ø  Take time out from the kids and busy schedule. Take the kids to grandma’s or uncle’s and have the whole day to yourselves. Go to a spa together, or a hotel room. Just have fun and lots of sex.