Tug O’ War
Tug of war was and has always been a favorite game for many. It has simple rules and the winner is determined pretty easily. You and your opponent(s) pull at different ends of the rope until one caves in and is pulled across the central line, the winner is the one who was able to pull the other; easy!
So tug of war is amusing, so long as it is left at the playing ground. When we bring it to our relationships, literally, it is not fun anymore. Win-lose situations are not appropriate for relationships and one should always strive for win-win state of affairs.
It should be understood that it is not possible to be in an authentic relationships without any quarrels and squabbles, even petty ones. You cannot always agree on everything and you cannot always see eye to eye about the whole lot.
Consider a relationship as a business arrangement. Each party has to get something and be satisfied with it, even if a lot of bargaining is to be endured. So the following points should be considered whenever there is an argument or disagreement:
© Speak for yourself. When arguing, argue for your own side, state your reasons as to why you want things to be a certain way and say how a certain situation makes you feel. Avoid telling the other person how they feel or what they do. For example, instead of saying “you make me feel so insignificant and unappreciated” say “when you do/say so-and-so, I feel so insignificant and unappreciated.” This makes the other person more empathetic because they get a peek of your feeling.
© Avoid name calling. In reality nothing turns an argument for the worst like calling the other person a strange diminishing name. Using abusive language is really not civilized. It shows a side of you that is brutal, unrefined and uncouth! When you call someone a bad name, unless they have the patience of Job, you boost their anger so any chance at reaching a truce is greatly diminished.
© Choose a proper time and setting. Everyone has their “down” times, those times when you would really prefer that nobody touches you or gets into your nerves. If you choose to approach someone in their “down” time to argue about something, you’re in for it. You cannot expect any good outcome from such a setting. Sometimes you can even plan a special outing or candle lit dinner for your partner if you want to discuss with them something that you know the two of you disagree upon but want to reach a consensus. In the olden times our mothers would cook mzee’s favorite meal if they knew that that evening they were going to tell them something that would unravel them.
© At first, avoid third parties at all costs until no resolution can be found between the two of you. Nobody likes to have their weaknesses dragged to the public. Do not call his/her mother, the pastor or his/her best friend every time he/she does something wrong. Is that your relationship or that of the whole society? However, if things fail to be resolved between the two of you, then agree to involve someone wiser than the both of you.
© Do not apply manipulation. Some people use manipulation as a magic wand because it gets them whatever they want. This is not right because it makes other people feel used up. Eventually the relationship is filled with so much negative energy and resentment!
Contrary to popular belief, it is much better to be happy than to be right. When you always fight to win in every argument or matter in your relationship, at the same time your partner is kept on the losing side all the time, it becomes very hard for them to want and to try to make you happy. We are, after all, in relationships so as to be happy together. People engage in relationships so as to avoid loneliness, because loneliness is not a happy feeling.
